Joyce's Last Song
by ann1962
Summary: Buffy and Dawn find Joyce's diary.


Joyce's Last Song

(after Gone but before Dead Things)

Feb 2002

"No way!"

"Dawn!" Buffy called. "Come here quick! Look what I found!"

Dawn climbed up the ladder slowly and stuck her head into the ceiling crawl space opening where Buffy was cleaning the attic. Buffy needed to straighten it out. It had been near a year since Joyce died and Buffy figured that since they had cleaned house for magical items, they might as well clean out the attic. Dawn was feeling better, work sucked and this was better than thinking about Spike. Buffy was ready to deal.

She started the day before, in the crawl space, organizing. She had known this day would come. Her mom's stuff. She had a lot of stuff. It needed to be sorted and given away. The first few boxes contained neatly folded old cloths that Joyce had organized long ago. Buffy thought the fashions a little tacky, luckily none of it fit her so she wouldn't have to wear any of it and agonize about choosing which to keep. The boxes were in pretty good order so she and Dawn would only need to keep the special stuff: maybe the wedding gown, a few baby items. Stuff.

"What's up Buffy?"

"Look what I found! It looks like a diary." Buffy continued to turn the pages. "Mom's diary!"

Buffy paused. This was huge. Buffy flipped through the yellowed pages. "This is Mom's diary. I don't believe it, it looks like from when she was pregnant ...with me!" Buffy paged. "Looks like she had some morning sickness, stuff about Dad. Wow, I can't believe I found this!"

"Should we read it?" asked Dawn.

Buffy paused again and said, "So weird, but I think maybe we should. I don't know. I don't know if that is ok. Now."

"Let's go downstairs." Dawn suggested.

As they headed downstairs to the front room, Buffy remembered. The last time she saw her mom here. Some of the worst moment in Buffy's life. Dialing 911. Telling Dawn. She couldn't believe it had been almost a year. Buffy sat on the couch next to Dawn who snuggled close, opened the book and began to read.

April 15th 1980 Dear Diary: I have started you because I need to. I think I will be able to express myself better here. All of the magazines say a diary is a good idea. I will write when I can and address you formally as Dear Diary. I will also say Bye at the end of an entry. I like that formality. It keeps things organized. I like that. I will start this today.

Hank is being cranky again. We wrestled our way through the taxes, got them done and mailed yesterday, and he is complaining our refund isn't enough. We are getting back $730, he really can't complain about that but he is. Sometimes it is very tough being married to him. Money, money, money. We made love last night and it was as beautiful as ever, and I love him so, but he can be a bit of a jerk. I will try harder; it must be something I am doing. I know he adores me. I will make him a lovely dinner tomorrow night after work. I hope he will like it. He is such a sweet guy. Bye.

May 10th Dear Diary: I had a dream last night about the moment I saw Hank for the first time. Across the dance floor, he was looking at me. I was alone, long story, and he noticed me. He asked me to dance. It was a Juice Newton song. The sweetest thing I've ever known is lovin' you. It is so true. I like remembering in my dreams. It is so real and vivid.

May 17th Dear Diary: My period is late. What will Hank think? Oh my god help me. What a burden this will be. I will really try to think positive. Bye.

May 21st Dear Diary: I bought one of those e.p.t. tests they advertise on the radio. I am going to take the test tomorrow morning. I hope I do it the right way. Women always say how hard the test is. Bye.

May 25th Dear Diary: Lord help me I am pregnant. I haven't been able to leave the house. I am scared. What will Hank think?

May 26th Dear Diary: I am so happy. I told Hank last night that he was going to be a father. First he said "No way" but in a happy way. Then he said our son will look just like him and Hank wants to name him Henry Summers Jr. That was so funny. Hank is such a sweet talking guy. I love him so much every day and now we are going to have a baby. A baby. I can't believe I am going to be a mother. We haven't been married that long, and a baby costs so much. I will start a budget tomorrow. Bye.

June 1st Dear Diary: I am not feeling very good in the mornings now. My stomach is upset and I can't keep much down. Well I won't get fat this way I guess. The doctor suggests crackers. I will try. I have always heard woman complain about morning sickness and now I have it. Hank tries to be patient but that is not his strong suit. He told me I should try to be a little more disciplined about what I eat and I would feel better. He has told me I am overreacting a couple of times already and that I have disappointed him. I want him to be just a little more sympathetic. He tries. I have called everyone I know to tell them I am pregnant. Everyone is so pleased for Hank and I. Bye.

June 16th Dear Diary: I am two months pregnant now. I am not showing yet. I wonder when that will happen. We have been invited to neighbors for the 4th and I hope I feel better by then. Hank and I haven't been going out much. He goes out with his friends much more. He reminds me of our favorite old song. He really is just like that song. He paints the town with his other guys. But he is my sweet talking guy! Bye.

June 29th Dear Diary: We have made plans to go to the neighbors for the 4th. I am feeling better now. I do have an appointment to see the doctor again soon. I am so excited. Hank says he will go too. Men don't usually do that. I am so lucky. Bye.

July 8th Dear Diary: The party was wonderful. I couldn't drink of course but I did sneak one glass of wine. The doctor says one won't hurt. It was very relaxing. We had a great time. The neighbors all said how great I looked. They gave me their lawn chairs to sit on. I don't think I stood once. They even tried to teach me Mah Jongg. We are lucky to have such nice neighbors.

I am annoyed at Hank though. He had a business meeting so he didn't go to the doctor's appointment yesterday. The baby is fine. I am mad but he was busy. However, when I got home after work there were flowers waiting for me. A beautiful bouquet. There was baby's breath and three red roses. He is so thoughtful. He does try hard. Maybe he can make it to another appointment.

One unusual thing happened while walking back to the car. A woman approached me, and I am not showing yet at all and I can still get in my clothes and she asked me when I was due. She had long blondish gray hair, an older woman. I told her I was due in January and she smiled. I have no idea how she knew I was pregnant. I am not showing yet. I thought maybe she saw me come out of the doctor's office, but I was already around the corner. It was very strange. She seemed very happy for me. She said, "She will be fine" but in a way that seemed to imply she knew something. Very weird. Very cool. When I looked back, she was gone. She must walk fast. Bye.

July 11th Dear Diary: I am still having morning sickness but only once or twice a day now. Boy, this takes a lot out of you. I am just starting to show now. I have a little pooch on my tummy. It still looks good, but for heavens sake, I am pregnant. Hank doesn't seem to have noticed yet. Funny, so I will have to show him tonight. Other parts look even better now. Hank will like that. I haven't been able to get that old woman out of my mind. It was very weird. She almost acted like she knew me. Bye.

August 8th Dear Diary: It has been a cool summer so far. California in the summer can be brutal. I am lucky. I have only occasional morning sickness now. My dreams have been getting interesting. All of the books say that is normal. I have only gained a little weight. I have been very good. I eat pretty well. Health foods when I can. Hank says he wants to take a weekend trip before the baby is born. That might be nice. He has been gone a lot on business. I haven't seen him much at all. He sends flowers regularly but I miss him. I almost feel like a single mother. Oh the horror of that. I will never let that happen. I love my husband. And now we have a baby. Bye.

September 15th: Dear Diary: We went to the desert on a little weekend getaway. It was very romantic. We had a lovely dinner at the resort. We danced.

And best of all, the baby moved. It was a wonderful delicious tickle. I felt it, I felt it Sunday morning. Hank didn't get why I was so excited. Man he thought I was overreacting. Again. Oh the baby moved. It made the weekend with Hank even more special.

I had a very unusual dream Saturday night. I dreamt of a young blond woman in the desert and felt a big bright flash. It was overwhelming, and warm but not scary. Oh the dreams you have when you are pregnant. My friends all laugh when I talk about them.

But the baby moved Diary. All is well. Maybe that woman was right. Bye.

September 28th Dear Diary: I am getting bigger. I feel different and my shoes don't fit. I have had to buy more clothes. Maternity ones. I don't really like the bows and ruffles, but there isn't anything else to buy. I want cookies now. I really crave them. Chocolate chip. I bake at least once a week. Hank said I was getting fat. That was mean. I haven't talked to him since yesterday. I cried for an hour. That can't be good for the baby. I am going to tell him so. Bye.

October 31st: Dear Diary: Sorry I haven't written for so long. I have been trying to read about parenting. There is so much to learn. I don't know if I am ready. If we are ready? Bye.

November 1st Dear Diary: the baby started hiccupping today. The doctor warned me about it just this past week. I could feel little bobbles. Hank is still being mean so I went shopping. I bought baby clothes and furniture for the nursery. It is very pretty. I am going to get someone to paint the nursery pink before the furniture is delivered. Won't Hank be surprised? I just know it is a girl. I just feel it. Bye.

November 16th Dear Diary: Only two more months to go the doctor says. The baby is just the right size. It hurts when the doctor pushes on my stomach because the baby kicks back. It is so funny. She will be strong I bet. Sometimes I can't sleep because of her kicking. Hank says he will be a football player. I haven't told Hank that I think it is a girl. I am not sure what he would think. What will be will be! I have started Christmas shopping because I am getting so big. I am having a harder and harder time walking. And the baby just kicks me all of the time. The doctor says it is normal. Bye.

December 1st Dear Diary: I am feeling great. Still a lot of kicking, but I have gotten used to it. The doctor says I am doing great. He is very nice. Hank and I are making plans for Christmas. I don't want to travel although Hank thinks another trip would be nice. I am just not that comfortable being away now. I need to be close to the doctor. Bye.

December 14th Dear Diary: I am so big. Hank has to hold my hand on the stairs. I feel like I have two left feet and no shoes for either of them. I told Hank I think the baby is a girl. He thinks it is a boy and wants to name him Henry Jr. still. Hank's mother is behind him as well. She also thinks that the baby, if a girl should be named after her. No way she will be named after his mother! I am going to pick a pretty girl's name. That will be her name. I have had a few ideas but none seem right. I will keep thinking about what it should be. Henry. No. Bye.

December 25th Dear Diary: Hank and I exchanged gifts this morning. He got me a beautiful necklace. It is stunning. He liked the gift I got him. I also told him what the baby's name would be if she were a girl. He picked the boy's name, so I will pick the girls. It will be Buffy Anne. It think that is so pretty. Young and lively just like how she kicks. She is still kicking me too. I can find all of my organs by her kicks. Being a parent will be hard. She will be willful too. I wonder if you can really tell what the baby will be like by their kicks. Hank was very nice today. I love him more than anything else in the world. Bye.

January 1st Dear Diary: Happy 1981! I can't believe another year has past. So much has happened this year. It has had its ups and downs. Now all the ups to come! Good-bye 1980.

January 12th Dear Diary: Hank bought a new car this weekend. A convertible. I guess we will use my car for the baby. We went for a ride. Very windy but pleasant.

January 17th Dear Diary: I know I haven't written as much as I want, but Hank has been horrible. We were arguing again after he got home from that late meeting last night, the second this week, about the nursery's wall colour. I surprised him with the pink, and he started yelling at me. I was sitting in the rocking chair, and he was yelling. He said he was leaving. He was so mad. I couldn't take it any more. So I said that if you walk out of this house, don't bother coming back. He looked at me in shock. Then he fell into my lap saying he was sorry. He was so sorry. He was so sad. He said he wasn't going anywhere and that he wanted to make me happy. How can he be like this now? It is so close. Bye.

January 18th Dear Diary: This might be my last entry until after the baby is born. I have been having contractions since the argument. I feel okay but they are getting stronger. The baby hasn't been kicking as much but the doctor said that is normal. Hank stuck around the house today and that surprised me but given yesterday he damn well should. He even said the pink wasn't so bad if it is a girl. He put on our favorite 8-track yesterday after. He played my favorite song. He can be sweet when he wants to. I will stop writing now. Here comes another contraction. It is a big one. Bye.

The rest of the pages were blank. Buffy closed the book. She and Dawn just sat there. They did not know what to say to each other. They looked at each other with tears forming. Each had sniffled during the read. An hour had past reading. Buffy spoke first saying "I was born the next day!"

"Were there any other books up there, Buffy?"

"I didn't see any."

"Good. I know there won't be one for me, so good."

They sat there for some more time. They could hear the clock.

"I don't want to do this anymore Buffy. Her last word was bye... to us." Dawn whispered.

"I don't either.... It was"

"Let's put it back. The boxes can wait."

"Okay."

Buffy went back up to the crawlspace and put the diary back in its place amongst her mother's belonging. Buffy realized the wedding dress was buried in the box below the one that held the diary. Her mom always did keep good notes. Buffy taped the box tightly, and went back down below. Easier this way she thought.


End file.
